Each day gets better

You ever have weeks at a time where things don’t seem to go right? You wake up daily considering just staying home when you know you clearly need to go to work. Weekend plans that have been made in advanced get altered only because you want to stay in the house. You need ‘alone time’.  Time at the gym gets looked over as well as your writing.  Your heart feels….not only slighted but thrown off course.  Partly your fault….well maybe entirely yours. 

I’ve had weeks like that.  I would let thoughts consume me and the way certain people react to things id say to them alter my mood for the remainder of the day.  What I clearly forgot was that….no one controls me, mind and my heart but me.  I’ve come to realize I have a tendency to point my finger at others when clearly….I am to blame.  I wouldn’t have gone thru the pain I went thru if I went the other way.  But nooo stubborn me decided to stay on that path knowing well enough the outcome end as it has.  It didn’t end actually…because something can’t end if it didn’t start to begin with.

I notice that one too many times I put myself in prediciments knowing damn well I shouldn’t. But my mind overrulled my heart or vice versa and I didn’t care and just did what I wanted. I can’t say that I didn’t think before I did what I did…because I’m sure that I did think…CLEARLY because the obvious was dead in my face. But I just refused to believe the obvious.  I’m stubborn and hard headed like my sign.  Sometimes I believe I’m selective with what I want to believe…you know like how people have selective hearing? Yea…like that. 

After having some good vent filled conversations with some friends of mine, I realized for once that I really needed to change the course of how I was feeling because only I could handle my mental needs on a day to day basis.  Only I had control over them.  A few days ago…after wallowing again about someone…and my friend seeing it, he gave me the best advice ever….’Look foward….so you can see what’s coming before we both let it pass us by’.

He & I have been going thru things around the same time so we help each other out….and those words…they sunk in. I’ve heard them numerous times before…but that night…I deleted everything I wrote about her in my tweets and went to bed a lil low BUT however the next day…something within me felt different.  I felt…at ease. I knew that despite how I still felt about people, the ones I loved/liked (more than friends) and it didn’t work out…I couldn’t mope forever.  I feel like I’ve been moping for a while.  I need to push off…like I’m rollerskating. Push…coast…and glide.  Life will be alot more worthwhile if I enjoy it instead of worrying and being sad because someone’s not giving me the attention I give them.  I forget that…everything happens for a reason.  When things don’t work out, clearly there’s a reason.  Whether reasons are spoken or left unsaid….I can’t fret. I can’t linger.  I can’t…anymore than I have.  When you linger tooo long in the past….it has a tendency to consume you…mentally and physically.  You have to learn to remove yourself from those thoughts and move on. 

I’ve found disconnection helps, of sorts.  I keep things to a minimal now days and it’s done me some good.  I feel myself slowly breaking out of my shell more and more.  I’m loving the woman that I’m becoming.  Altho I feel that I’ve bloomed later in my life….It’s better late than never. I’m glad it’s now. My happiness is my only current focus.  Happiness+me=a better me. 

It’s time to push off…like I’m rollerskating. Push…coast…and glide

this butterfly is ready to emerge…

You ever wear something to the point of it being truly ‘worn in’? Your, favorite pair of jeans, your favorite t-shirt, hoodie or even your pair of shoes. They fit….just right. Yet there’s still room for you to move around in. It’s almost like lying in a sleeping bag. You still have room to move. In my life….I feel that way. I feel that I still have room to move. I’ve been at a stand still for some time now. I can’t seem to ‘find my way’. I’m not exactly sure about alot of things. I’m not sure…if this life style fits me anymore. I don’t want to be labeled anymore. I know that’s for sure. While I love women…I want to be with someone that makes me truly happy. I’ve never been one to remain in the box. I’ve always stood out. Even when I was scared as a child. I’ve always stood out. I can’t toss away the way I’ve been living and I don’t think I will….but I refuse to let my pride get the best of me. I don’t want to remotely care what people think when they read this. I don’t want anyones opinion….I just want to know that…the ones who’ve always been there….will always be there. Accept me for me. Whether or not I’m a lesbian or if I’m bisexual. So what if I’ve hid in the close for half of my life. I don’t feel the need to justify my way of life to anyone but myself. I just…..I long to be happy. I don’t want a baricade holding me in. I need to roam. I feel like a wild animal that’s been held captive too long. I need to be…..

Free…..

Let’s wait a while….

Unintentionally…I did. Lol…ONLY because I don’t write as often as I thought I would…so my apologies.

Helllo there readers *waves* It’s probably been about a month since I last posted. Not much going on in this little world of mine. Aside from the fact that I don’t write poems like I used to. They come & like the weather within this season has changed. Infact…my thoughts/feelings within my poems are AS bi-polar as the weather these days. At least these feelings won’t get me sick. I think.

32nd birthday coming up. *shrugs* While NORMALLY I’d be ALLL excited about celebrating…something is different about this year. I’m not sure if it’s because of all the extra mess that has been going on since the 1st of the year or I just…really don’t feel like celebrating like I normally do. Well I didn’t until my bestfriend (who lives in another state) said her & her son are actually coming into town that weekend of SOOO she says the day that she tells me they are actually visiting ‘What do you want to do for your birthday?’ LOL. Dinner has went from semi small to….me worrying that the location of choice won’t be able to accomadate to all my friends. Another thing…why is that close friends WANT to get the birthday person drunk? Like what if I stopped drinking? I didn’t but I’m just saying…what if I did? I don’t like to get drunk or no where near that feeling because I hate HATE….well despise rather…being sick. I don’t want to be throwing up that night nor the next day. I try to keep it to a minimum. 1 or 0. So with that being said…let’s hope & pray that everything will go greatly on that day. *crosses fingers & toes & eyes*

Keep my family in your thoughts & prayers as my mother is getting eye surgery….the day before my birthday….which is exactly 11 days away…..so yeah. Nothing SUPER major….but it’s something that she should’ve gotten done a long time ago. SO yeah….we’d greatly appreciate that. With all that being said….

Good night world. Peace, love & chicken grease be with you!!

Ramblings about love, life and a little about The Vow (the movie lol)

I just came from seeing The Vow w/one of my best friends.  It’s a very good movie (In my opinion). Alot of tear jerker moments but I held back pretty good….had my small pack of tissues in case I cried…but I ended up not needing them. 

In certain sections however, I couldn’t help but get a little choked up.  The love that the characters portrayed in the movie was…beautiful.  It just made me think….will I ever find a love like a I had once….again?  I’ve been fighting…off & on…between my heart and mind for about a year now.  My mind tells me that it’s better to stay away, it’s best I move on, it’s best to try new things, it’s best to leave you in the past…not the as to where you’ll be a mere memory…but the past that I can’t go back to and start all over again.  And then my heart intervenes.  It intervenes like the best friend that’s always had your back, you know the one that makes you think about things that you never thought of, the one that helps you expand your mind beyond your wildest dreams…I have one of those…but that’s how my heart is.  Just when I think I have everything right and sooo together in my mind and I know the path that I’m going on is right…my heart seems to think otherwise. 

I can’t remember feeling this way for anyone but you…in quite some time actually.  If I wanted to fight for someone…I can’t recall who it was…but I just know that at some other point in my life besides now…I can recall wanting to see if it can work again.  It all may seem surreal and out of the blue considering I just came from watching a love movie but…it doesn’t fail.  I’m a hopeless YET hopeful romantic.  And when I love…I love hard.  But what I don’t get is…why can’t i let you go.  It’ll be a year tomorrow since our break up.  I’ve been single for a year…and altho I’ve remained to keep my distance from you lately…you’re never far from my mind.  Or heart either.  I feel like I’m back there all over again.  Not knowing what to do.  All I want to do is run.  I don’t like this lump in my throat.  But I don’t like this tugging at my heart either.  I love you.  Not for all the wrong reasons either.  I love you….for all that you are.  For everything you stood for.  For all the things you couldn’t and probably still don’t see that you are soo great at.  I love you…for you. 

My throat hurts.  My heart still aches.  I wanted to cry a few times tonite because I couldn’t imagine being in that position…losing someone I loved…having to help them regain their memory.  People don’t fight for love these days.  It’s like not existant.  I used to be a fighter.  I still have it in me…I know I do.  I don’t give up easily either…but I know I did with you.  This may seem trivial….but a small part of me still wants you back.  *sigh* I know I deserve more…and better…but what if that’s you.  What if I can help you to bring out the best in you that you can’t seem to find.  What if I can help you to love again…like you used to.  I can see it in you.  I know….that this is alot…esp on my part.  I’m pouring out feelings into an atmosphere and your out there…with god knows who.  I don’t want to be stuck inbetween a rock and a hard place.  I want to do what’s right.  For me. Regardless of what people might think.  Regardless of what my friends may say.  I don’t care. I don’t follow.  I lead myself. 

Maybe….love isn’t about waiting on that one to come along.  Maybe its about….going the distance. Like the movie.  Pushing yourself beyond your measures.  Wearing yourself out till you almost feel like you can’t anymore….until you find it…deep within your heart to get back up and keep on pushing.  That’s what how I feel about love.  I wish you knew how I felt about you.  Maybe it’s time.  I’m not sure.  But….I’ll give my heart and mind time to duke it out….and then i’ll go from there. 

I won’t lose anything if I don’t try.  I know i’ll hurt if I get rejected.  But…i’d wear my scars proudly.  I’d rather have a body full of scars knowing that I tried and failed as opposed to not trying at all.  Wouldn’t you? DARE yourself to try.  You only live onces
P.S- REST IN PEACE TO MOST AMAZING SINGER AROUND.  MY ALL TIME FAVORITE SONG OF YOURS HAS ALWAYS BEEN ‘I wanna dance with somebody’.  I WISH THAT LIFE WAS EASIER FOR YOU AND THAT YOU HADN’T TAKEN YOUR LIFE SO SOON.  :/ YOU’LL ALWAYS BE REMEMBERED.  XXOO MISS WHITNEY.

2.4.12 momentarily dreamin’…

I wanna wake up
To hearing your raspy voice 1st thing in the morning
I wanna wake up
With your arms wrapped around me
I wanna wake up
To see your face in its beautiful & yet rare form
Arms out stretched so you’re comfortable as you sleep
I wanna wake up
Beside you
And as you sleep
You Let me
Run my fingers thru ur hair
Massage ur scalp
Let me
Caress your face
Pull you close
And embrace you
With my lips
Let me
Love you
All of you
In the best way I know how

I wanna wake up
Knowing
That after last night
You’ll still care for me after the sun has rose
And the scent of us still lingers
Within these sheets
And the air that fills your bedroom walls
I wanna wake up
Knowing
That you’ll still want to see me
The next day
Or even hours later
That you’ll still want to be
In like with me
Not ready to
Fall for me
Quite yet
I understand
And sympathize a scared heart
I share that same feeling
Yet
I just
wanna wake up
Next to you
Knowing
That your feelings for me haven’t  changed
That if anything they’ve grown slightly stronger
I wanna wake up
With you
Beside me
Every day
….I can’t say forever
But for as long as you’ll want to be beside me
I just wanna….
Wake up
And you be there
Because honestly
I’m tired of dreaming

…the one i loved before… *2.4.12*

i float like a butterfly
with every memory ive collected of you
us
yet they
sting like bees
reminders of the many times i tried to love you
yet you kept me at a distance
even in the begining i felt it
yet i
pushed it away
away like the bills i said id pay later
i felt
entangled in the love that you swore you had for me
we shared a mental future that was never born
together
2 months
seemed longer than a lifetime
i find it
hard to let go of the past that contains you
i find myself
holding onto every single thing
like trash i need to discard
ive become a hoarder of your love
rather the love i believe you once held for me
im afraid ive become nothing more than a mere memory
a mere mention within fragments of your conversations with random people
yes
i know her
do you even remember me?
my smile?
my laugh?
the way that i
cared for you
more than i seemed to care for my self
i
LOVED you
more than i ever imagined i could have
now i find myself wanting to tear my soul
and mind
away from any and every memory containing you
i step back
to clear the way
i step back
to make room
i step back
to better my future
you see letting go has been hard
and being friends with you has been even harder
stepping back
and loving me
more than i ever imagined i could
is possibly the best thing ive done
yet

12.27.11 We are woman

–So I don’t know what sort of mood I was in when I wrote this. I think I may have read something that caused me to write this poem….however, I don’t remember. (maybe it was the J. Cole song ‘ Lost ones’ that birthed this…) BTW…There are curse words in here…so I hope no one finds offense to it.  I rarely curse in my poems unless I’m trying to get a point across. SO…enjoy! –__________________________________________________

She’s modest
But she likes to wear low cut shirts & tight pants
She’s modest
But gets low in the club
And drinks to forget all the pain
She’s got morals
But strips nightly to pay rent
Dances & speaks to men
Or women
Whether they’re single
Or unavailable
It’s just money
She smiles
Greets you politely
And assists you in every way possible
Yet goes home to a house full of rage
Nights are full of fights
Face filled with bruises
Broken dishes
Eyes constantly watering
Yet she manages to plaster a smile
Just to get by
She gets good grades
Yet barely has friends
Is always on campus late
Takes the bus
Only to dread the walk home
House is silent
Sometimes cold
You come home to a mother who barely speaks
Only when she’s out of alcohol, cigarettes or food
Asking you what’d you do with your money
Books
Food
Tuition
You say
She says
Fuck that shit
Your not important
You’re just a poor excuse
Its kinda like what a guy would tell you
Says…
The sweetest things to get inside ur mind
Only to get inside
Forgetting to protect you two
And he ends up creating life
Only to say ‘you need to fix that’
All the while asking,
Are you sure its mine?
Like you’re a loose girl
A sleep around type girl
One that forgets the #’s of ppl she’s laid with
No
That’s not you
You’re better
Yes
I dance
Yes
I wear tight clothes
Yes
I had unprotected sex
And ended up pregnant
But that doesn’t make me less of a woman
Doesn’t mean you & ur friends can disrespect me
Did you forget?
YOU have a grandmother
YOU have an aunt
YOU have a mother
YOU have a sister
YOU have a niece
YOU have a female cousin
YOU have a daughter
YOU have a best friend…who’s a woman
Would YOU dare disrespect her like everyone else has?
THINK again
Before you lash out
To the woman before you
Because without her
YOU wouldn’t here
Don’t
Forget
US

 

 

Restart 1.16.12

I get
Entangled
Lured
Infatuated
With the very thought
Of being with you
All over again
The
Tingles
Heart murmurs
Followed by the self indulgent butterflies
That linger in my belly with every
Text sent thru my screen
You give me
What’s that line in the movie
Premature ventricular contractions
You pull
at the strings
That hold my heart up
You don’t make me fall
As in a downward negative spiral
Yet
You make me fall
Fall into something
Something close to love
I’m lost
In the oblivion that is you!
You take my breathe away
With every thought
Memories
Tend to hinder my focus
I need to focus!
Focus!
On reality
See
Your not mine
Anymore
But the fantasy of wondering
If we could start fresh
Into a brave new world
Like Aladdin & Jasmine
Take me on a carpet ride!
Coz like monica
I’d cross the ocean for you
I’d bring you the moon!
I’d be your hero
If you’d let me
Let me
Love you
All over
Again

Happy belated!!

Hello universe!! *waves* I’m officially 16 days late (no I’m not pregnant LOL)…in wishing you all a Happy New Year! I hope that you all brought it in in your own special way.  Me…I went to the club.  A first time celebrating New Years outside of a home.  Normally I’m the homebody type when it comes to that night. I prefer to stay home considering people like to get trashed that night and I’d like to wake up the next morning safe & sound.  The club was nice.  Well not nice persay because it’s my friends & I’s normal hang out spot BUT it was nice & refreshing to ring it in with a group of friends. 

I’ve always been surrounded by loved ones on that night.  Normally with immediate family…or a few times the women that I’ve been in a relationship with (so that’s only been 2 gf’s…2 gf’s that I’ve spent new years with…I’ve had more than 2 gfs lol) or close friends.  Each year it’s celebrated different but fun nontheless.  *shrugs & smiles* 

I just wanted to blog while I remembered.  I haven’t been holding out on posting…I just have a short attention span and then when I remember to post here…I’m already doing something else. Lol…I have a friend that’s called me a scatterbrain.  Sort of like taz.  My thoughts are never together.  You should see my twitter timeline…awful ha ha….sometimes I laugh at myself.  BUT anyway…ha ha…

I’ll be back again soon with more poetry…altho I haven’t written anything thus far this year.  Sad I know…but like everything in life…you can’t force it.  The words will come to me…and when they do…I’ll be sure to share them with you.  Until next time…take care!! And hey…while you’re here…tell me…how’d you ring in the new year!! Share away!! xxoo

12.17.11 Safe spot

embrace me
from behind
wrap your arms around me
as you extend them
to reach mine
only to
interwine your hands
with mine
wrapping our arms
around me
you pull me
closer
your face
in my neck
i can feel your breath
on my skin
i wish this was reality
but this was only a hug
from you
to me
those are the ones i love
encased tightly
within a dream